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Colin Dunlap: So God Made A Yinzer

By: Colin Dunlap
(Photo Credit: Karl Walter/Getty Images)

(Photo Credit: Karl Walter/Getty Images)

dunlap-head-shot Colin Dunlap
Weeknights, 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. Colin grew up in Sharpsburg and...
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This past weekend, an annual tradition took place in my home — a few weeks after the Super Bowl, a point is always made to re-watch the telecast. This year, it included the power outage, which is atypical, and the commercials, which sometimes are a part of my own personal second viewing.

And, man oh man, that Paul Harvey commercial — the one for Ram Trucks — just can’t shake free from my head now. You know the one, the “So God made a farmer” one.

But here’s why: Because, well, during the whole commercial, in my warped view and proclivity for provincial humor, I kept replacing the word “farmer” with “Yinzer.”

Being that I’m a lifelong Pittsburgher, I feel comfortable making the observations below because I’ve been known to be guilty of some of them.

All that said, the thought here is the commercial might have been improved had it been more Pittsburgh-centric, as such:

+ God said, “I need someone who takes a vacation day from work to attend Steelers training camp and/or the Rib Fest.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to hang a Terrible Towel from the balcony on their vacation hotel to announce to everyone on the beach that they are from Pittsburgh.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone who immediately thinks, when there’s a coaching vacancy with the Steelers/Pirates/Penguins/Pitt, the lone qualified candidates are those born in western Pennsylvania.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to compare every tough man, tough woman, tough animal, tough inanimate object or tough situation to Jack Lambert.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone who has no problem putting half their paycheck in an illegal poker machine, but would never, in a million years, contemplate eating meat on a Friday in Lent.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to blame Marc-Andre Fleury, Todd Haley, Bob Nutting and PennDOT for 88 percent of the problems in their life.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to convince the rest of the family it truly is a fabulous idea to get the Christmas card photo on the beach in Penguins jerseys.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone who sees a used Winnebago for sale and the first thing they think is, ‘Steelers Tailgate Machine.’” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to drive 45 minutes out of the way to save just $0.10 per gallon on gas and get defensive when someone else claims it might have been more reasonable to just go to the gas station right up the street.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone whose first name is Ed, but who has nine consonants in their surname — all together.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to make a left hand turn six seconds after the light turns red — then flips the other motorist off who is obeying all traffic laws.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to buy every one of those Jim O’Brien books.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone who craves fireworks 370 days a year.” So God made a Yinzer.

+God said, “I need someone who feels it is a necessity, when utilizing air travel, to wear at least one article of Pirates, Penguins or Steelers clothing on the plane.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to get a Notre Dame tattoo on their arm and announce to everyone, every chance they get, that Notre Dame football is their life — even though they’ve never set foot in the state of Indiana.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone who thinks that the team which defeated the Steelers/Penguins/Pirates/Pitt never really beat them and shouldn’t get any credit — regardless of the score — but that the Steelers/Penguins/Pirates/Pitt, or the officials, are fully to blame for the loss.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to buy a small television to put in the kitchen for the sole purpose of watching the daily number during dinner.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to pronounce Bill Cowher’s alma mater, Carlynton, with a mysterious ‘g’ in the middle, making it Carlington.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to think formal attire — even to wear to a wedding — is a Steelers polo.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to explain to the local news how the ‘fahr was rool big’ or how the ‘haus blowed up’ or how the car ‘ended up in the crick.’” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone who fully understands you wear your white Troy Polamalu jersey to church on road game Sundays and the black one on home game Sundays.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to refer to ‘going up’ no matter which direction they are geographically headed, even if it is ‘going up Disney World’ or ‘going up Virginia Beach’ or ‘going up the Bahamas.’” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone to declare Rick Sebak the world’s greatest filmmaker. Living or dead. Or yet to be born.” So God made a Yinzer.

+ God said, “I need someone whose blood pressure rises in direct correlation with the amount of snow Jeff Verszyla predicts.” So God made a Yinzer.

+God said, “I need someone to scream ‘shoot the puck’ a minimum of 294 times during each Penguins game.” So God made a Yinzer.

+God said, “I need someone to, without fail, announce to the host, ‘Thanks fer takin’ my cawl’ when they join the host on 93.7 The Fan.” So God made a Yinzer.

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Read More From Colin Dunlap

Former Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Sports Writer Colin Dunlap is the featured sports columnist for CBSPittsburgh.com. He can be heard weeknights from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. on Sports Radio 93-7 “The Fan.”

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