What’s all the fuss about?
I mean, haven’t you ever seen someone naked before?
Haven’t you ever seen two people naked before?
Haven’t you ever seen a model in the nude — in a magazine or on TV, of course — or been in a locker room and caught a glimpse of a man’s rump?
My gosh, the things that move the needle and cause us to get all in a tizzy.
Monday’s Labor Day started a bit laborious, as I began early in the morning trying to fully digest the imaginary scuttlebutt caused by some nude photos of lovebirds Justin Verlander and Kate Upton. The former is a top-of-the-line pitcher who works for the Detroit Tigers while the latter an absolute knockout of a model and actress.
He is 31, she is 22.
And any red-blooded American male should want to shake this guy’s hand (at least that’s what I want to do) after seeing these photos and tell him, “Good work, my man. You got the brawn to make money playing a game and the beauty on your arm. You’re living the American Dream, Justin.”
That’s probably where the story should begin and end from the public’s standpoint, where our interest should wane and fall off.
But it won’t.
Reporters will continue to pry and meddle inside the Tigers’ clubhouse and wherever they can find Upton. The public will continue to be nebby about photos that were, almost-certainly, meant to be shared by only those two as they captured moments the pair never envisioned would be made public.
But because the photos have become public — or at least were circulated on the internet — many will reckon it is their right to follow this story all the way through the very end, whatever that might be.
Me? I’ve got my conclusions after seeing the photos and they are simple. My interest in all of this, for the most part, also ended right after seeing them. Anyhow, the conclusions …
1. Verlander and his ladyfriend were having fun. Good for them. We should all be so happy.
2. Upton is incredibly attractive, even more than I imagined fully clothed.
3. I hope the scumbag who illegally obtained these — if that’s what indeed happened — gets punished for what (s)he did.
The FBI has said it is investigating the situation.
Verlander has not commented on the leak.
In a statement to Us magazine, Upton’s lawyer, Lawrence Shire said, “This is obviously an outrageous violation of our client Kate Upton’s privacy.”
He also went on to say, “We intend to pursue anyone disseminating or duplicating these illegally obtained images to the fullest extent possible.”
Good. Again, that should happen.
Here’s what’s unfair though: This will follow Verlander — who is in his 10th season — for the rest of the time he pitches in Major League Baseball. And then some.
Certainly you will think of that guy who has worked more than 200 innings the past seven consecutive seasons when you hear his name.
But then right away you will think of his bare behind posing in the mirror with his girlfriend.
Certainly when his name is brought up you will think about the guy who has already struck out more than 1,800 batters.
But then right away you will think about the time you saw Verlander — and Upton — in all their glory, even as you were never meant to.
It truly is unfair; downright unfair to both of them.
In a weird way, however, I can’t get enough of this story.
And it doesn’t have anything to do with Upton’s perfect-to-me nude body that will make your eyes pop out or how Verlander has a wry “I’m the man” smile in one of the photos.
No, I can’t get enough of the story because, well, I can’t believe this many people are that interested in two other naked adults.
Colin Dunlap is a featured columnist at CBSPittsburgh.com. He can also be heard weeknights from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. on Sports Radio 93-7 “The Fan.” You can e-mail him firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out his bio here.
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