TALE OF THE TAPE

New England Patriots Vs. The Dark Knight Rises

Over the past several years, Christopher Nolan’s seminal Batman movies have not only been examples of great superhero movies, but arguably great cinema as well. It’s no wonder, then, that 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises was met with extraordinary expectations. Similarly, the 2013 Patriots entered the season highly regarded – as they do every year that both T-Brads and Bill Belichick are on staff. So which of these highly anticipated juggernauts delivered?

New England Patriots
The Dark Knight Rises
patriotstale1.jpg
tdkrtale3.jpg
Initial Excitement?
“YEAHHHH!”* (*BUT only for Patriots fans)
Winner “WOOOOO!”
Vague Sense of Worry?
"Why...are we struggling against the Bills and the Jets?"
Winner "Why...is Bruce Wayne hobbling around a broken down apartment?"
Leading man?
Winner Handsome-yet-ruffled protagonist, still arguably in his prime, yet possessing some silly, silly hair. Whines kind of a lot.
Handsome-yet-beaten down protagonist, well past his prime, but still hoping to make a difference.
Growing Sense of Worry?
Winner Man...Rob Gronkowski sure does spend a lot of his life injured.
Winner Man...Bruce Wayne sure does spend a lot of this movie injured.
Features Hines Ward?
No, which stinks, because even retired, he’d be their 2nd best receiver - maybe their best receiver - in 2013.
Winner With gusto!
Unsettling Level of Violence?
Something, something, Aaron Hernandez, something.
Winner That time that everyone in the stadium died...except Hines Ward.
Secret Supervillain
Winner Bernard Pollard.
That silly-voiced fella who gets taken down by Anne Hathaway.
Wise Mentor?
[Emperor Palpatine] Bill Belichick.
Winner Michael Caine!
Most Illogical Move?
Winner Cutting Wes Welker!
Announcing comeback by burning a gasoline bat into the Brooklyn Bridge. That probably took way more time than it needed to, Bats.
Secretly Lousy?
Winner It’s looking that way, but the season is still early.
Yeah.

The Winner Is

tdkrtale3.jpg
Winner The Dark Knight Rises
6 out of 10

With a score of 6 out of 10, The Dark Knight Rises takes it! But don’t put too much stock into this. Both are probably overrated.
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. FOXBORO, MA - OCTOBER 16: Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots reacts after throwing a touchdown pass during the fourth quarter against the New York Jets at Gillette Stadium on October 16, 2014 in Foxboro, Massachusetts. Airdancer
    Tom Brady Vs. An Airdancer, Who Is Floppier?

    Tom Brady seemed to flop in a recent Pats-Jets game. How does he stand up to one of those inflatable things you see outside of car dealers?

  2. DENVER, CO - OCTOBER 19: Quarterback Peyton Manning #18 of the Denver Broncos drops back to throw on what would be his 509th career touchdown pass in the second quarter of a game against the San Francisco 49ers at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on October 19, 2014 in Denver, Colorado. HOLLYWOOD, CA - MARCH 02: Actor Matthew McConaughey poses in the press room during the Oscars at Loews Hollywood Hotel on March 2, 2014 in Hollywood, California.
    Peyton Manning’s TD Record Or Matthew McConaughey’s Oscar More Expected?

    Peyton Manning broke the career TD record. Everyone knew it was coming. But was it as expected as Matthew McConaughey’s Oscar?

  3. antonio_brown dustin_brown
    Tale Of The Tape: Best Athletes Named ‘Brown’

    In their weekly draft of anything and everything, “Starkey and Mueller Show” elected to draft the best athletes named “Brown” of all-time.

See All Tales of the Tape
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 6,171 other followers