Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB

We’ve all done it before. Popped in our copy of Madden and played God by designing our own all-99 player. He runs a 4.1 40-yard dash, has the accuracy of Peyton Manning, the leadership of Tom Brady, and arm of Jay Cutler, and – just for kicks – the tackling power of 2001-era Ray Lewis. So who stacks up better – a figment of your video game imagination? Or real flesh and blood video game athlete Colin Kaepernick?

Colin Kaepernick

Video Game QB

80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.	Rating in Madden ‘13?	99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!
While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.	Better Name?	Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.	College?	Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.	Most Impressive Performance?	It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.
All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.	Upside?	While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.
When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?	Has an Awesome Pet?	No.

80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.

Rating in Madden ‘13?

99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!

While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.

Better Name?

Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.

While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.

College?

Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.

In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.

Most Impressive Performance?

It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.

All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.

Upside?

While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.

When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?

Has an Awesome Pet?

No.

The winner is

Colin Kaepernick

4 out of 6

The Verdict? Colin Kaepernick, 4-2! Let’s see if he can keep this mojo going in the playoffs!

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