Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB

  • Rating in Madden ‘13?
    80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.
    99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!
  • Better Name?
    While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
    Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
  • College?
    While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
    Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them. Winner: QB
  • Most Impressive Performance?
    In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.
    It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.
  • Upside?
    All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.
    While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.
  • Has an Awesome Pet?
    When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?
    No.
RESULTS
The Verdict? Colin Kaepernick, 4-2! Let’s see if he can keep this mojo going in the playoffs!

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