Tale Of The Tape: Team Owner’s Wife Vs. Team Owner’s Mistress

(Credit: Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)
(Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
  • Loyalty
    She married you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. We'll ignore the poorer part, because really, who ever heard of a poor team owner? The rest of it, though, means she's in it for the long haul.
    She knows you're rich, and married. And while she may say she loves you for your heart or your blue eyes or your witty sense of humor, she loves you for your money. Besides, 25-year-old women don't fall for 70-year-old men unless they have serious daddy issues.
  • Privacy
    Your life is her life; her life is your life. She has a vested interest in preserving the status quo and whatever privacy that entails. Unless you breach her trust, by, say, I don't know, taking a mistress.
    She could secretly record your racist lunatic rant and release it for all the world to hear. The league will then ban you from all future games and force you to sell the team.
  • Fame
    Outside of fans of your team and possibly fans of the sport, no one really knows who you are. As far as society is concerned, you're just another rich guy. That's a good way to live, and your wife knows it too. So things will stay as they are unless you do something stupid…
    …like take a mistress who records your phone calls and releases them on the web. Then your life will become a national scandal (and personal nightmare) that just won't die. Fame/Infamy are two sides of the same coin.
  • Money
    Be prepared to give away half of everything you own. Since you're weighing the pros and cons of taking a mistress and all, this seems like a very real possibility.
    You'll be forced to sell your team. But given how much revenue and profit pro sports franchises generate these days, the team will be worth piles and piles of cash. So oddly enough, taking a mistress will probably work out well for your bank account.
Yeah, we saw that coming. Nevertheless, it's a valuable lesson for all you budding professional sports franchise owners out there.