PITTSBURGH (93-7 The Fan) – So, I turned on the Olympics the other day.
On one channel there was a guy shooting a bow and arrow. On the other channel there were a couple of fellows playing ping pong.READ MORE: Majority Of Penguins Players, Coaches Receive COVID-19 Vaccines At PPG Paints Arena Clinic
I don’t know about you, but this didn’t do it for me.
And although my 5-year-old twins were enthralled the other night, synchronized diving really didn’t excite me as much as it did them. Same thing with the equestrian events; I mean, if I want to see some horses, I’d rather go somewhere and bet on them, not watch them jump over fences.
That’s why I got to thinking on Monday afternoon, as these Olympics haven’t really excited it for me to this point, what events could turn that around in the future. You know, a short list of Olympic events that, if instituted, have the potential to really make me sit down and watch.
Alas, here’s a small catalog I came up with…
1. Tug Of War — Either team or individual, this one could work. Male or female, too, it makes no difference. Who doesn’t enjoy tug of war, as it seems to be the ultimate measure in brute strength and you would watch — you know you would — for the incredibly remote chance one of those barbarians would have their arms ripped clean from their shoulders by the other competitor.
2. Dodgeball — Who doesn’t enjoy dodgeball? Anyone? I mean, call me perversely crazy, but to me there is something incredibly entertaining about seeing another person getting hit with one of those big, bouncy rubber balls at the velocity Jeff Locke could never dream of throwing it and the force of the blow knocking that person right on their wallet. This sport could also be male or female and for a variety of reasons I’d think the United States would be heavy favorites. Really, ask yourself, what would you rather watch, dodgeball (which isn’t in the Olympics) or trampoline (which is)?READ MORE: Rep. Conor Lamb, Rep. Brian Fitzpatrick Tour Southern U.S. Border As Part Of Congressional Delegation
3. Face Slapping — Now we are talking. What a sport. This one is simple and it is pivotal that you win the coin toss and go first. The rules of this are simple. You stand a few feet away from the other competitor and, as you are only permitted to move your arm and hand (which has to remain open), you pull back and slap the other competitor in the face as hard as you can. The first one to submit — either because their hand hurts or, more likely because their face hurts — loses. This could be epic and, truth be told, kind of the citadel of what the Olympics were founded on.
4. Rochambeau –– Look it up if you don’t know what it is. Google is your friend. The always-hilarious Jim Colony brought me up to speed about this sport on Monday, as he’s a fan of the TV show “South Park.” If this were to become an Olympic sport, man, I’d watch.
5. Parallel Parking — This sports should be part of the games only because, if it were adopted, I legitimately think I could make it. I mean that. So, you are telling me I have a 1978 Chrysler Cordoba and I need to fit it into an 8.75-foot space and I get to back up just twice? As a native Pittsburgher, I think I got that. I really think I do. This is an event I would be fascinated by. Also, if somehow I didn’t qualify, I would absolutely, positively watch on TV. Make it happen. I know I can’t be the only one.
6. Cornhole — If badminton and ping pong and beach volleyball and trampoline are in the Olympics, how can cornhole not be? Seems you do every single one of these at some kind of Labor Union picnic at North Park. I’ve seen ping pong matches and badminton games and people jumping in bouncy houses and I’ve damn sure seen volleyball at work picnics — but they are in the Olympics? Come on.
But, anyway, my point stands — there are some really loose “sports” by definition in the Olympics that don’t seemingly take a ton of cardiovascular athleticism and, if they are in it, a picnic game like cornhole should be up for consideration.
Colin Dunlap is a featured columnist at CBSPittsburgh.com. He can also be heard weekdays from 5:40 a.m. to 10 a.m. on Sports Radio 93-7 “The Fan.” You can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out his bio here.MORE NEWS: Pittsburgh Weather: Foggy Start, Warmer Afternoon Temperatures