TALE OF THE TAPE

Andre Johnson Vs. Santa Claus – How Does He Match Up To St. Nick?

Fantasy wunderkind and all-around decent guy Andre Johnson just did something pretty nifty. He purchased over $17,000 worth of toys for children in Child Protective Services. It’s an awfully kind gesture, especially during the holiday season. But how does Johnson stack up against the ultimate gift giver, Santa Claus? Let’s go to the tape:

Andre Johnson
Santa Claus
Miami Dolphins v Houston Texans
(Photo by Kena Betancur/Getty Images)
(Photo by Kena Betancur/Getty Images)
40 Time?
4.41 Seconds
Winner I mean...one estimate has St. Nick traveling at roughly 5.6 million miles per hour (in order to deliver all those presents) so...whatever 40 yards of that is. A blink, essentially.
Weight?
Winner A svelte 227 pounds.
Probably more than that.
Receiving TDs this year?
Winner 5 this year (really? That feels low). 61 overall (that too).
None?
Estimated value of Presents
$17,352
Winner Millions and millions
Is he real?
Winner Yep!
Who’s asking? Where are your parents?
Reaction to seeing mommy kissing him?
Winner ...I’M GONNA BE RICH!
Set it to a song!
Reaction when you hear him “Up on a rooftop, click-click-click”ing?
Stranger! I’m calling the police right now.
Winner Weeeeeeee! Presents!

The Winner Is

Miami Dolphins v Houston Texans
Winner Andre Johnson
4 out of 7

So there you have it. After a hard-fought battle of joyful giving, Andre Johnson takes the round 3-2! And rightly so. What a terrific fella.
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. Tom Hanks (Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images) (Photo By: Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Best Movie Coaches/Managers

    In this week’s draft, Starkey and Mueller picked the best movie coaches/manager in film history.

  2. (Photo by Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images) (Photo credit: Johannes Eisele/AFP/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Best Sports Balls Of All-Time

    While mocking DeflateGate and deflated balls, Starkey and Mueller drafted the best sports balls of all-time.

  3. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) (Photo Credit: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Worst Steelers Draft Picks Since 2000

    In this week’s draft, Joe Starkey and Chris Mueller sorted out the worst Steelers draft picks since 2000.

See All Tales of the Tape