TALE OF THE TAPE

NFL

  1. JACKSONVILLE, FL - SEPTEMBER 29: Blaine Gabbert #11 hands off to Maurice Jones-Drew #32 of the Jacksonville Jaguars during a game against the Indianapolis Colts at EverBank Field on September 29, 2013 in Jacksonville, Florida. A nurse puts 3D glasses on the face of a surgeon before an operation at the Argenteuil hospital, in a Paris suburb, on July 25, 2013. AFP PHOTO / FRED DUFOUR
    Less Painful: Watching Jacksonville Or Undergoing Invasive, Unnecessary Surgery?

    With the Jacksonville Jaguars unable to do anything right, and turning in performances reminiscent of the ’62 Mets absent any of the charm, watching their games is beyond brutal.

  2. PITTSBURGH, PA - AUGUST 24: Ben Roethlisberger #7 of the Pittsburgh Steelers warms up prior to the game Kansas City Chiefs on August 24, 2013 at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - AUGUST 24: Geno Smith #7 of the New York Jets passes against the New York Giants during their pre season game at MetLife Stadium on August 24, 2013 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.
    Tale Of The Tape: Pittsburgh Steelers At New York Jets

    The Steelers could slip off the radar because of their 0-4 start and perhaps teams will start to overlook them. That could help get this team back on track.

  3. Philadelphia Eagles v Denver Broncos Gaming fans sample EA Sports Madden NFL
    More Impressive Stats? Denver Broncos Offense Vs. Playing Madden On “Easy”

    The Broncos are on pace to break some crazy impressive records. But how do the 2013 Broncos measure up against when I play Madden on easy?

  4. New York Jets v New York Giants Atlanta Falcons v Baltimore Ravens
    Tale Of The Tape: New York Jets At Atlanta Falcons

    Geno Smith has exceeded expectations by the numbers that he has produced. The Jets rank 16th out of the 32 teams in the NFL in passing yards per game, and nobody thought Smith would be at that level during his rookie season.

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    The Giants Losing To Carolina Vs. Little Mac Losing To Glass Joe In “Punch-Out”

    Perhaps the most lopsided battle in video game sports is that of Little Mac vs. Glass Joe – the first fight in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out! If done correctly, skilled players can knock the beans out of Joe in 42 seconds, flat. Unskilled players can still take him out before three rounds are up. And unskilled players who think too much would wonder – why is a French guy named “Joe”?

    In any case, we here at CBS wondered, what was a more lopsided matchup (and subsequent surprising defeat): Mac vs. Joe? Or the recent Super Bowl champion New York Giants vs. the mostly hapless Carolina Panthers? Let’s go to the tape. Please note that the “winner” of each category is the more humiliating option:

  6. natecredit1.jpg digiornocredit1.jpg
    One Broken Arm Later: Nate Burleson’s Pizza Vs. DiGiorno (It’s Not Delivery)

    Detroit Lions’ wide receiver Nate Burleson is great at receiving both deftly thrown footballs and emergency roadside medical treatment. Recently, he crashed his car into a Jersey barrier after dropping a slice of pizza around 2:30 in the morning. Apparently there was no hooch in his system, it’s just that he was being a big ol’ bag of dum-dum lollipops. The question that we at CBS can’t help but ask: would he have been better off cooking himself a DiGiorno frozen pizza? Let’s go to the tape.

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