TALE OF THE TAPE

Less Painful: Watching Jacksonville Or Undergoing Invasive, Unnecessary Surgery?

With the Jacksonville Jaguars unable to do anything right, and turning in performances reminiscent of the ’62 Mets absent any of the charm, watching their games is beyond brutal. So much so that it seems any talk of sending them to London is more an infliction of punishment upon England as opposed to the altruistic presentation of one of our greatest gifts: professional football. As an American Football fan, the question is, would you rather sit through an entire game of theirs, or elect to undergo painful, unnecessary surgery? Let’s go to the tape.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Unnecessary Surgery
JACKSONVILLE, FL - SEPTEMBER 29: Blaine Gabbert #11 hands off to Maurice Jones-Drew #32 of the Jacksonville Jaguars during a game against the Indianapolis Colts at EverBank Field on September 29, 2013 in Jacksonville, Florida.
A nurse puts 3D glasses on the face of a surgeon before an operation at the Argenteuil hospital, in a Paris suburb, on July 25, 2013. AFP PHOTO / FRED DUFOUR
(credit: Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)
(credit: FRED DUFOUR/AFP/Getty Images)
Preparation
Winner Don't research them. Think nothing of their fantasy players, as the term borders on an oxymoron. Don't think about anything. Just eat as much as you can. All this will be behind you soon enough. Find the positive in this, as it is still technically football, after all.
Research, prepare yourself and relax. Don't eat anything 24 hours beforehand. All this will be behind you soon enough.
Sedation Method
Alcohol. It won't knock you out completely, but it's the best you can do to numb the pain.
Winner General Anesthesia. You won't feel a thing. Plus, you'll be removed from all the pain of the outside world, like watching the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Duration
Winner When both first team offenses are still playing, or the entire game itself? As much as four hours before the final whistle sounds.
The average heart surgery also takes three to four hours. Add on prep time as well as the subsequent hours of slowly waking up and re-acclimating to your surroundings, and your whole day is practically shot.
In Game Performance
Those in charge will perform with the utmost incompetence, so much so their collective efforts only bear, at most, a passing resemblance to a football organization.
Winner Your team is highly skilled and precise. They operate with extreme precision and care nothing about a razor thin margin of error. Unlike a football in a Jacksonville game, you are in good hands.
Recovery
Winner While spectators during the actual viewing experience often report symptoms bordering on extreme pain, recovery is nearly instantaneous. So long as the spectator possesses a remote control or a working fantasy cast, the painful memories of what has just been witnessed customarily vanish instantly, as opposed to searing into the brain permanently. By 4:35, all should be well again.
While the procedure itself will be painless, the months to come will be unkind. As painful as the first Sunday after the Super Bowl. Medication, physical therapy, insurance battles - this is the hard part, I'm afraid.

The Winner Is

JACKSONVILLE, FL - SEPTEMBER 29: Blaine Gabbert #11 hands off to Maurice Jones-Drew #32 of the Jacksonville Jaguars during a game against the Indianapolis Colts at EverBank Field on September 29, 2013 in Jacksonville, Florida.
Winner Jacksonville Jaguars
3 out of 5

Looks like the Jags win. I may be the only writer who types such a sentence this entire calendar year. Yes, watching a Jacksonville game is marginally better than undergoing elective, invasive painful surgery for no reason whatsoever. While I am not a licensed physician, I will say, however, I can't in good conscience recommend either of these activities as a productive or healthy use of time or energy.
-Christian Kohl, CBS Local Sports contributor

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. (Photo credit: Adam Hunger/Getty Images) (Photo Credit: Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Best Rookie/Freshman Seasons Of All-Time

    Starkey and Mueller drafted the best rookie/freshman seasons of all-time with the final pick having to be a Pittsburgh athlete.

  2. (Photo Credit: Mike Powell/Getty Images) (Photo Credit: Robert Laberge/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Best Defenses Of All-Time

    In honor of Pitt playing the most defensive minded team in the country in Virginia, Starkey and Mueller drafted the best defensive teams of all-time across all sports with a sixth pick of the best defensive player.

  3. (Photo by Richard Wolowicz/Getty Images) (Photo by Frederick Breedon/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Best NHL Road Cities

    Being former Penguins beat writers, Joe Starkey and Rob Rossi drafted their favorite NHL road cities with a final pick of the best press box food item served at an NHL game.

See All Tales of the Tape
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 8,691 other followers